bipolar season

I have not blogged in a minute, and it is not becuase i dont want to, but becuase i didnt have to words to descibre the feelings i have been having every single day for the last 3 months. Of course bad things happends to people and i am not excused from that. But i got up on my feet and for the first time in a LONG time i woke up every day feeling happy. Now people who know me knows that it has been a long time since i have been really happy. I still cant explain why but then again i dont want to know why i just loved waking up happy, going thru my day happy. Then a storm came thru and it hit me hard, out of no where i found my self wanting the days to go by so i didnt have to be around people, or think about the things that were slowly creeping up on me. I felt the happiness just go away without even a good bye note. I prayed everyday for a gleamer of happiness to come back and of course it didnt, that stop stayed ontop of me like a mother beating her bad 8 year old child. Things seemed to be getting worst and dont think after reading this that things are back to where they need to be becuase they are not, the only thing that has changed in my equation of life is i have moved passed the storm of my happiness and it is back. I not longer want to walk around feeling like i am carring the world, becuase i cant change alot of things that happend in my life, but i can learn and grow from them. EVEN stiuations that i have no idea what i was suppose to learn from them i still dont let them get to me, becuase I know there is a bigger plan for me and right now is the time i put in the work and not the time i know what the plan is. I have come to far to turn back know, and to be honest i dont think i would be able to deal with life is i stopped now. This morning i seen a white woman on the bus and she had her things with her, so i already knew she was homeless, now normaly homeless people dont get a reaction out of me becuase i know how it feels to be homeless and living in a sheltar with your mom, but for some reason looking at this woman made tears come to my eyes becuase i she was looking for a soap kitchen to get something to eat but could not find it and i wanted to give her some money so bad and i could not becuase i need money to get back and fouth to school with and i dont even have money for myself to eat. But the bus driver gave her $5.00 and that woman statred to cry. I felt her pain for the rest of the drive. I dont know why and i cant explain it but she touch me in a way that no one else i have seen on the streets has. The lord puts things in your life to see how well you will handle the situation. I hope i am not failing him becuase i cant afford to let my self down.

It is what it is

Well of course i have not express my self in a long time, so you know what that means alot has been going on. School is back and i was blessed to not have to owe money and i have a nice apt to come to every night. I can honeslty say i feel a change with me and today my best friend pointed it out i feel happier. I dont know why and who am i to question it. Dont get me wrong i have bad days like everyone else but i am just happy and i dont kno if it is becuase some people are out of my life and that stress is gone or if the lord is slowly guiding me in the correct direction, but either way i feel great. I am goin to work my Azz off to make sure come may i will be walking i can not let nothing or no one stop me. When it comes to males i have someone that i am physicaly attracted to and i think his soul and thought process would make my soul feel free but i dont think that it is going any where and to be honest it kinda sucked at first but i cant let that get to me i have a goal and i will not let something like that get me un focsed on the goal ahead. The males i use to talk to i no longer talk to them because i feel as though if i am going to cont to grow as a woman i have to get the childish things out of my life. and that goes for people i thought were my friends also. i can say i feel less stress then the last time i wrote.

The Year begins for me

Well i thought i wasnt going to be able to finish what little i have left of school, but thru the grace of god, my mother, and her friend i am back and prayin i dont run into any finiacal issues again this year. There has beeen alot of things goin on and to be honest i could only see the bad but thinkin about it and talkin to my wonderful friends i know see that this was another test within my life to see if i could i can handle it, and to be honest i wouls give my self a C-. There so many things i want and need to do in order to be as suecessful as i want and becuase i dont know when the lord will call me home i try to live my life every day as if it was my last. I can no longer keep walkin around with my head held down and hoping no one sees me. As we all know there alot of people i no longer speak to and to be honest i feel as though it is for the best. Yes i miss some of the friendships i had i can not live in the pass i have to move forward becuase i know they could care less, and i need to do the same.

Just when things are going good shyt happends

I havent been on here in Mon. and it is not becuase i havent wanted to, but becuase life seems to be hitting me so hard that i bearly can breath. Where do i start........ well of course in the beginning of the year i almost had to come home becuase i like many other people in the US lack the funds i need to stay in school, but i thought that i had people to back me up like jasmine i thought that even though we had been thru our issues she would not fuck me over but of course the devil will work in places you dont think he will and he worked in that sitaution. And to be honest i believe that was just the lord telling me i didnt need to be in that situation. And then i was hiding out on Saint Augustine's College just so i could finish school, and of course people will always mind other people bussiness and i had to leave there. Then a blessing came my way and i not only had a place to stay, food on the take and A CLEAN HOUSE but people that helped me with no thougts about me having to pay them back. (friends) And of course we all know that as soon as things are going good something will come and fuck your life up. I had a job, and life was going great but then i had to leave becuase the rental office found out that i was there and i dont need real friends gettin put out becuase of me. So on June 18th 2010 i had to come back to a place that makes me itch Maryland. Yes this is a place i call home and a plcae my mother is and friends, but have you ever meant a person that just needs to get out and be free. well i am that person. I dont like it here i feel as though i will never grow. i dont want to be stuck here working a job that makes me feel less of a person. DOnt get me wrong there some good things and people that come out of this state, but i beleiev if i stay here i will never leave. And the way things are looking now i dont have the money to go back to school. And thats another thing that is killing me i was suppose to graduate may 2010 and i didnt becuase on one hand i fucked up bad and on the other hand the psychology department sucks and could care less how long it takes us to leave that school. I have had some many thoughts to grow thru my head and NO ONE to talk to. Yes i have two best friends but even sometimes they dont understand the shyt i think about. I have to admit i even thought about takin my own life a couple of times becuase things seem to be gettin worst each day i woke up and i was tired of it. And i cant tell you what made me not do it. I have people that i use to call friends at school and becuase i could not attend graduation they choose not to talk to me and to be honest i am not upset i now see who will can and can not call friends. I also lost another friend that i thought was going to be around for awile. And i didnt lose that friendship for something series i lost it becuase we are two sttuborn people that feel as though we both were right. And sometimes i miss that friendship but other times i think it was for the best. Things that has been going on is helping me grow, even though right now i cant see it i know in the long run i will look back on this and think god.
Other things i have been going thru is nuthing but pure female things, i have reach an age that i no longer want the same males i use to want when i was in high school, you know the wannna bee thugs, and drug dealers, i want a male that has something going for him, and i dont know if it is me or what but i am as alone as i have ever been and it is scaring the hell out of me. Since i was 15 i have always had a male in my life boyfriend, good make friend or just male i was just having sex with, either way i had someone. And yes i know that i dont need a male in my life but sometimes i want it, i want to call someone or go out on dates, or sometimes roll over to a male in the morning without having had sex the night before. But it seem as though i cant get that. Yes i know before i can deal with this issue i have to deal with the first one. But sometimes i wish i had someone to help me get thur this, becuase to be honest my mother and friends are not enough anymore. Now i have to ask myself what am i going to do when i have nuthing or no one to turn to. Life is crazy and the only thing i can do is live it.

DAYS OF WONDER

I havent been writtin in a while becuase, my computer died on me and my cell phone stop working. And all this happend within a week span, talk about shyty days. Even though i want to just stop and give up i know i cant,not just becuase i dont want to be looked at as a fauliue but becuase my mother will not allow me to just give up. And then we have living conditions. Dont get me wrong i love where i am right now and its SO MUCH BETTER THEN JASMINE why its clean and i like the people im with but if i dont hurry up and find a job i will be saying hello to maryland, my room, and people i dont want to see. Some times i dont undersrtand why life will always thru you a curb ball and ten do nuthin to help you out the fire it has just made for you. When i look at life sometimes i think it is nothing but a enemy that will stop at nothig until your gone and it can move on to the next one. I cant say i would not wish this on someone but in reality is is already happendin to other people. yes shyt is just going wrong and i need MONEY out the ass and cant tell you where im going to get it from hell i cant tell u the next time i will see food but i dont kno i be damn if life gets me to a point where i can no longer cont. I know there is something out there more for me and right now i cant see what that is but i know that as long as i keep trying i will over come anything that is put in my path. The we have people just not talking to me no more becuase of an assupmtion that was made by them. it is not my fault that you think something and dont have the common since to see if its true or not. But i will not let that get to me either if we were meant to be friends then we would be but it wasnt in the plans for neither one of us to keep the friendship. I will not say anything bad about you becuase i cant i jsut wish you well in all the things u try to do for your self. But on a lighter note with me not having a phone you know who your TRUE freidns are.becuase they will try anything to get in contact with you, but watch when my phone get back on everybody and there mother will be textin me and callin me. Fake peole make me sick and im glad to be getting all the FAKE people out of my life.

Just a couple of things i wanted to say

People that call there selves friends are really the devil. Im sick and tired of people saying there my friends and then turning there back on me so i have some words for you FUCK YOU and everythings you stahd for. I know that some people that come in my life are nothing but branches that falls off the trees. But any way im not going dwell on the fact friends. So any way life is not going the way i planned it to. i want to have a job, and a good income come in. And to make matters worst im praying that i can graduate in december. And start all over in graduate school. I have a huge fear of things people would never know. Of course im like the average college student when it comes to not being able to graduate. That is fear number one right now, i dont like walking in front of people becuase im afraid im going to fall. I dont like being around alof of people becuase they make me so damn nevers. But im not going to dwell on that either becuase i know that the lord has a plan for me.

Wishful thinking

The last time i blogged i thought i wanted me and my ex to try things again becuase i never loved someone they way i love him. But after this conversation i relaized that he has not grown up at all. He is still the lil boy i broke up with two years ago. After he got out he was suppose to call me and of course he didnt. so i called him and he out and with his other child. I thought i could deal with that and after hearing him say it i cant. i told him i would not leave him and stop talking to him but i dont think i can keep that promise i made to him. when me and him were together i had to push a lil pieace of me aside becuase i found out he had a child and i had to deal with a stupid ass female. And i had always told my self i wasnt ever going to go thru that again. Not saying that this female will bring this drama but i dont want to stay around and hope it dosent happend. Im not going to sit here and say that i can be open minded again but i dont think i can i am a young female that is working towards something. And i like to spend time with the male i call my man, and if i be with him i know i will not get the attention that i want. I know that sounds lil kiddisha of me but hey its the way i feel.