Getting thoughts together

Sitting at home with so many thoughts going thru my head. First i was watching a movie that reminded me about my life. I am 23 years old and i have never lived on my own. Lived with my mother, lived on campus, and lived with other people, but never with my self. Now don't get me wrong i love living with my boyfriend he is the greatest. But i don't know how it feels to live on my own. To be able to pay my own bills, and enjoy the company of my self. Sometimes i believe that i wasn't put on this earth to do anything big with my life, but to just be on earth like another useless human being. Second thought that is running thru my head i have no job i am use to having a summer job, something bringing in the checks. I just don't understand why i have to have these thoughts all the time. I am tired of being alone in the house all the time. No friends to hang out with, just nothing. I feel as though no one really gives a rats ass and to be honest i don't care cuz i care about my self and i am doing things i have to do in order to live right but sometimes i don't believe things are working out for me. I sometimes wonder why i stopped living my life so care free. I also wonder if i am doing the right thing in life.

3000 thoghts huh

You would never this someone could get put out three times in less then one year, well i am here and it has happened to me. And to be honest i didn't deserve it, yes i know EVERYONE say's that but i didn't, i was never home, never made a messed, and brought my own food and paid rent at the last place. So i ask you why would people me angels in the beginning and the devil once the door is close and the lights are off. I have to hear every day that i have come so far and yet people don't seem to understand that i am tired, and i don't mean physically tired, but mentally i am gone. I cant focus on anything any more my drive is gone because i am tired of working so hard to get no where. My entire life all i wanted was to live comfortable. Not to be rich but to be able to pay my bill, buy food for my home, be able to buy a car and a home and still have money in the bank once everything was taken care of. But these days i be happy just to have a dollar in my pocket, bank, or even under the bed. I know that stopping after coming so far would be the stupidest move i ever made in my life, but i have my eyes wide open and to be honest i don't see the future i see the right now and neither one of them has any glow of hope. I will not say that everyday of my life is bad, because it is not. I have good days i have a wonderful mother who is behind me 100%, wonderful friends who are my rock, my strength, just better to me then my own family, and a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like the queen i was born to be. But my biggest issue is School. I cant seem to get the hell out. I just want to finish fuck walking across a damn stage i don't need all that i just want my degree so i can get a job with benefits and be doing something in my field that i love. See i don't want a job i want a career. and yes i know i will have to get a job before i can get my career but that's what i want, need, and pray for everyday. U hear people walking around complaining about the stupidest shit and all the while getting everything they want. And all i want is my degree so i can pave my own way. I want to leave this earth having give back to people, helped people and f not people one person i want to touch someone like i have been helped by people in my lives. I am not the type to sit and complain and do nothing, i am out there looking for a job and trying to find ways to finish school. I know they say good things happened to those who wait. And trust me i have been waiting. But it seems like my doors are stuck and not going to open for a long time. Don't take this the wrong way and think i am just saying fuck life, because i am not i need to live so i can help as many people as i can. I just need to get my glow back, my light back that i once had. Some times i think that i have done something in my past and it was so bad that for the rest of my life i have to be punished for it. And other times i think i have not fallen far enough to get back up. I was told my a professor that we as humans have 3000 thoughts a day. And i believe that just to bad all my thoughts are about my life and getting out of this situation. It has gotten to a point that i don't even want to hang out with my friends any more because i feel as though i am holding them down. They all have jobs and making money and i cant go out with them cause i am the BROKE one and it sucks i want to have money i want to have a job, i want need my degree ASAP.

Tears seem to be my best friend latley. I cant even describe the pictures that appear to me every single night about all of my failures. I dont like the fact that no matter how hard i try to get away fromthis school the more something seems to pull me back in. I cant believe i stood in the bathroom twice yesterday and cried like the biggest child i know. I want things to get better and yes i already know that things will get worst before they get better but i dont know how much i can take before i have a mental break down. I know that i need to go talk to someone, but that question is who. Saint Augustine's college has begun to get bad and the sad thing is no body seems to care. All this money that this school is getting you would think alot of things around here would be fix, and look better. You would think that the social science department would have more teachers and increase the amount of studnets getting out of this school on time. I sometimes find my self looking around at the people that work here and ask my self what are they doing besides eating and running their mouth. Everytime i go into the registar office i see no work going on but ask them about the stidents personal life and who is sleeping with who and they can tell you that. These people act more like middle and high school students then college students and professional people. Its ashame that the only way you get things done in this school is if your apart of a greek orgamziation, or if you sit in a professor office everyday and basically kiss there ass. so many students here just want to come to school and get their work done and not have to worry about aything else. but they cant. i dont understand why things seem to always get worst but i know i have to deal with this.

lost of a light

In the beginning of college, i new what i wanted to do, i knew that i wanted to make a difference in the world,even if i just touched one person that's all i wanted to do. But know it seems like i was not meant to do anything to help my self or people. I know that i should not feel like this because everyone has a reason to do something but that light i once had, has went away, and not all on its own either. People have helped it and to be honest i don't think they give a rats ass. Professors at Saint Augustine's College have forgotten the fact that they once was us just in different colleges, and different professors. I know longer feel as though an HBCU will do anything for me accept stress me out even more and give me a heart attack before i turn 23. It is a shame that HBCU no longer hold the title they once held. So many people have died to make it possible for African American people to have something like this and now there is no point to even going to an HBCU, because you will not get the education you need. They only thing they are good for is taking your money, and teaching you how to kiss ass to get what you want. Yes i know this is harsh but this is the real deal. I am 22 years old and can honestly say if i had to redo my college years it would not be at an HBCU. I hate the fact that i cant stand the professors that work at my school, but they make it so unreal. To stop some one from getting ahead in life all because i refuse to kiss you ass is unbelievable to me. My light is gone, i know longer see the reason, but i would like to think a certain professor for making me see that you have to kiss ass in order to achieve things.