Just when things are going good shyt happends

I havent been on here in Mon. and it is not becuase i havent wanted to, but becuase life seems to be hitting me so hard that i bearly can breath. Where do i start........ well of course in the beginning of the year i almost had to come home becuase i like many other people in the US lack the funds i need to stay in school, but i thought that i had people to back me up like jasmine i thought that even though we had been thru our issues she would not fuck me over but of course the devil will work in places you dont think he will and he worked in that sitaution. And to be honest i believe that was just the lord telling me i didnt need to be in that situation. And then i was hiding out on Saint Augustine's College just so i could finish school, and of course people will always mind other people bussiness and i had to leave there. Then a blessing came my way and i not only had a place to stay, food on the take and A CLEAN HOUSE but people that helped me with no thougts about me having to pay them back. (friends) And of course we all know that as soon as things are going good something will come and fuck your life up. I had a job, and life was going great but then i had to leave becuase the rental office found out that i was there and i dont need real friends gettin put out becuase of me. So on June 18th 2010 i had to come back to a place that makes me itch Maryland. Yes this is a place i call home and a plcae my mother is and friends, but have you ever meant a person that just needs to get out and be free. well i am that person. I dont like it here i feel as though i will never grow. i dont want to be stuck here working a job that makes me feel less of a person. DOnt get me wrong there some good things and people that come out of this state, but i beleiev if i stay here i will never leave. And the way things are looking now i dont have the money to go back to school. And thats another thing that is killing me i was suppose to graduate may 2010 and i didnt becuase on one hand i fucked up bad and on the other hand the psychology department sucks and could care less how long it takes us to leave that school. I have had some many thoughts to grow thru my head and NO ONE to talk to. Yes i have two best friends but even sometimes they dont understand the shyt i think about. I have to admit i even thought about takin my own life a couple of times becuase things seem to be gettin worst each day i woke up and i was tired of it. And i cant tell you what made me not do it. I have people that i use to call friends at school and becuase i could not attend graduation they choose not to talk to me and to be honest i am not upset i now see who will can and can not call friends. I also lost another friend that i thought was going to be around for awile. And i didnt lose that friendship for something series i lost it becuase we are two sttuborn people that feel as though we both were right. And sometimes i miss that friendship but other times i think it was for the best. Things that has been going on is helping me grow, even though right now i cant see it i know in the long run i will look back on this and think god.
Other things i have been going thru is nuthing but pure female things, i have reach an age that i no longer want the same males i use to want when i was in high school, you know the wannna bee thugs, and drug dealers, i want a male that has something going for him, and i dont know if it is me or what but i am as alone as i have ever been and it is scaring the hell out of me. Since i was 15 i have always had a male in my life boyfriend, good make friend or just male i was just having sex with, either way i had someone. And yes i know that i dont need a male in my life but sometimes i want it, i want to call someone or go out on dates, or sometimes roll over to a male in the morning without having had sex the night before. But it seem as though i cant get that. Yes i know before i can deal with this issue i have to deal with the first one. But sometimes i wish i had someone to help me get thur this, becuase to be honest my mother and friends are not enough anymore. Now i have to ask myself what am i going to do when i have nuthing or no one to turn to. Life is crazy and the only thing i can do is live it.