Getting thoughts together

Sitting at home with so many thoughts going thru my head. First i was watching a movie that reminded me about my life. I am 23 years old and i have never lived on my own. Lived with my mother, lived on campus, and lived with other people, but never with my self. Now don't get me wrong i love living with my boyfriend he is the greatest. But i don't know how it feels to live on my own. To be able to pay my own bills, and enjoy the company of my self. Sometimes i believe that i wasn't put on this earth to do anything big with my life, but to just be on earth like another useless human being. Second thought that is running thru my head i have no job i am use to having a summer job, something bringing in the checks. I just don't understand why i have to have these thoughts all the time. I am tired of being alone in the house all the time. No friends to hang out with, just nothing. I feel as though no one really gives a rats ass and to be honest i don't care cuz i care about my self and i am doing things i have to do in order to live right but sometimes i don't believe things are working out for me. I sometimes wonder why i stopped living my life so care free. I also wonder if i am doing the right thing in life.

3000 thoghts huh

You would never this someone could get put out three times in less then one year, well i am here and it has happened to me. And to be honest i didn't deserve it, yes i know EVERYONE say's that but i didn't, i was never home, never made a messed, and brought my own food and paid rent at the last place. So i ask you why would people me angels in the beginning and the devil once the door is close and the lights are off. I have to hear every day that i have come so far and yet people don't seem to understand that i am tired, and i don't mean physically tired, but mentally i am gone. I cant focus on anything any more my drive is gone because i am tired of working so hard to get no where. My entire life all i wanted was to live comfortable. Not to be rich but to be able to pay my bill, buy food for my home, be able to buy a car and a home and still have money in the bank once everything was taken care of. But these days i be happy just to have a dollar in my pocket, bank, or even under the bed. I know that stopping after coming so far would be the stupidest move i ever made in my life, but i have my eyes wide open and to be honest i don't see the future i see the right now and neither one of them has any glow of hope. I will not say that everyday of my life is bad, because it is not. I have good days i have a wonderful mother who is behind me 100%, wonderful friends who are my rock, my strength, just better to me then my own family, and a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like the queen i was born to be. But my biggest issue is School. I cant seem to get the hell out. I just want to finish fuck walking across a damn stage i don't need all that i just want my degree so i can get a job with benefits and be doing something in my field that i love. See i don't want a job i want a career. and yes i know i will have to get a job before i can get my career but that's what i want, need, and pray for everyday. U hear people walking around complaining about the stupidest shit and all the while getting everything they want. And all i want is my degree so i can pave my own way. I want to leave this earth having give back to people, helped people and f not people one person i want to touch someone like i have been helped by people in my lives. I am not the type to sit and complain and do nothing, i am out there looking for a job and trying to find ways to finish school. I know they say good things happened to those who wait. And trust me i have been waiting. But it seems like my doors are stuck and not going to open for a long time. Don't take this the wrong way and think i am just saying fuck life, because i am not i need to live so i can help as many people as i can. I just need to get my glow back, my light back that i once had. Some times i think that i have done something in my past and it was so bad that for the rest of my life i have to be punished for it. And other times i think i have not fallen far enough to get back up. I was told my a professor that we as humans have 3000 thoughts a day. And i believe that just to bad all my thoughts are about my life and getting out of this situation. It has gotten to a point that i don't even want to hang out with my friends any more because i feel as though i am holding them down. They all have jobs and making money and i cant go out with them cause i am the BROKE one and it sucks i want to have money i want to have a job, i want need my degree ASAP.

Tears seem to be my best friend latley. I cant even describe the pictures that appear to me every single night about all of my failures. I dont like the fact that no matter how hard i try to get away fromthis school the more something seems to pull me back in. I cant believe i stood in the bathroom twice yesterday and cried like the biggest child i know. I want things to get better and yes i already know that things will get worst before they get better but i dont know how much i can take before i have a mental break down. I know that i need to go talk to someone, but that question is who. Saint Augustine's college has begun to get bad and the sad thing is no body seems to care. All this money that this school is getting you would think alot of things around here would be fix, and look better. You would think that the social science department would have more teachers and increase the amount of studnets getting out of this school on time. I sometimes find my self looking around at the people that work here and ask my self what are they doing besides eating and running their mouth. Everytime i go into the registar office i see no work going on but ask them about the stidents personal life and who is sleeping with who and they can tell you that. These people act more like middle and high school students then college students and professional people. Its ashame that the only way you get things done in this school is if your apart of a greek orgamziation, or if you sit in a professor office everyday and basically kiss there ass. so many students here just want to come to school and get their work done and not have to worry about aything else. but they cant. i dont understand why things seem to always get worst but i know i have to deal with this.

lost of a light

In the beginning of college, i new what i wanted to do, i knew that i wanted to make a difference in the world,even if i just touched one person that's all i wanted to do. But know it seems like i was not meant to do anything to help my self or people. I know that i should not feel like this because everyone has a reason to do something but that light i once had, has went away, and not all on its own either. People have helped it and to be honest i don't think they give a rats ass. Professors at Saint Augustine's College have forgotten the fact that they once was us just in different colleges, and different professors. I know longer feel as though an HBCU will do anything for me accept stress me out even more and give me a heart attack before i turn 23. It is a shame that HBCU no longer hold the title they once held. So many people have died to make it possible for African American people to have something like this and now there is no point to even going to an HBCU, because you will not get the education you need. They only thing they are good for is taking your money, and teaching you how to kiss ass to get what you want. Yes i know this is harsh but this is the real deal. I am 22 years old and can honestly say if i had to redo my college years it would not be at an HBCU. I hate the fact that i cant stand the professors that work at my school, but they make it so unreal. To stop some one from getting ahead in life all because i refuse to kiss you ass is unbelievable to me. My light is gone, i know longer see the reason, but i would like to think a certain professor for making me see that you have to kiss ass in order to achieve things.

one foot in and one foot out

I Just dont understand i have an issue but to me it is not an issue i dont like asking people for anything, yes it comes from people always using it over me, but i just cant do it, there is something in me that stops me even people that i know will never use it againt me i still can ask them. i dont even like asking my mother for anything. and know here it is my senior year and xmas time has come around and i dont have money to go home. so instead of asking gregory (like a dad) i will stay here. i know that is wrong but i just cant keep calling him asking him for money. it hurts that i cant do anything for hime but here i am always need something for him. No one told me to go to college this was a choice i made on my own, and i know that but i wish i would have known what i was getting in to before i applied never having any money nor food just nothaving always looking at people have. now dont get me wrong i have a wonderful mom who has bust her ass to get me what i need and want. but i am tired of just making it, which is the reason why i want to make something of myslef so i never have to feel this feeling ever again. and even if i do have chilren i dont want them to feel like i feel know. no i will not spoil them but i dont want people espeically children to feel this way.

thought central

He may not come when you want himm but he will be there right on time. I can honeslty say prayer works, but you cant just do it when you want something you have to do it all the time and i do i thank him everyday just for waking me up in the morning. Thigs are slowly looking up for me, this morning i receieved my almost there later tellin me as long as i pass these class this semaster and next then may 1 2011 i will be walking cross the stage and becoming a college graduate, and i cant wait. even though everything i want to happend may not be happening right now, they will work their self out. Then we have my family, lord is all i can say my mom is going back and fouth to the doctor and just recently had surgory. she is ok and back home but i can honeslty say i was scared, becuase my mother is my world i dont know what i would do without her. My cousins are gettin in trouble and this time it wasnt even my older cousin faut and yet the system cant see a black man is tryin to change they just see what he has done in the pass. I just pray everyday that he gets out and can really start his life. My friends are doing great even though they have a up and down himm battle , we all day it is called life, they are here for me just like i am there for them and i cant love them anymore then i alreay do. My classes are going good cant complain. But then we have this male in my life that is my friend and l like the fact that we are friends, but the more i get to know him the more i start to like him, and i am not like other females who say they like a male but cant say why i actually can list all the reasons why i like him. a persons personality can go a long way. but the funny thing is you might think i want a relationship and i dont i know i cant not handle one right now i have just started liking being alone and doing things by myself. dont get me wrong having a male there sometimes is enjoying but i want to really know me inside and out, i cant be with someone who i am tryin to really get to know and get to know my self to, that will not work so i am taking time to know who i am, what i want and what i dont want, and get things right so i can graudate. So i dont want a relationship right now but working towards one in the future would be nice i would love just to date for a while. all these things go thur my mind everyday along with school, class and just life in gerneral. I wish there was a ball i could rub that would give me some answeres so i know if i was on the right road. I dont want to invest my time in someone who is just like a season here today gone tomorrow. I cant be honest and say i have not had much look with males since my real ex boyfriend for 6 years, yea i have had many males that i thought were boyfriends and even called them that but at the end of the day they were just there to past the time and i know that is bad but after thinking about it, if it was as series as he and i thought we still would be together and were not, so for me to actually have feelings for this male like this is scare, yes i have had feelings for males before especially last year but it wasnt like this i light up when i get a call and or text, just the thought of getting to know him better makes me smile. Just hope i am not wasting my time with this. I hope and pray every thing for my classes go great and nuthing stops me from grauduating in May becuase this is a time that chould have been here but now that is is coming i cant be more happier. I just have to figure out what my next step will be. I know i should have already thought this out, but to be honest i really dont know what i want to do, go back to school to get my Ph.D or take a year off and work and save all my money. I just dont know and this is what scares me the most about grauduation, it is not the fact that the loans need to be repaid it is the fact of what do i do now that i am no longer in school. Where is my life now are the questions i am asking my self everyday. To be honest i dont think i am the only senior asking the same questions, about what i need to do and what i should do. Thoughts of a college senior......

how many is to many/ what happend to the date game

You never know where you might get your inspriation from. After talking to Mr. Floyd today and then watchin sex in the city i have to ask how many is to many. If you cant catch what i am talking about i am refering to sex patners. For as long as i can remeber i have alway been told never to sleep around, dont have to many males knowing parts of you that only you and god should know. But i have also been around long enough to know and see that it is only females that get that talk. Males get the talk that goes make sure you use a condom. Why is that?(another day topic) If i decide that i just want to be free and test the waters why must i be a ho. Why cant i simple be expressing my self thru sex. here is another question becuase we now live in a world where dating seems so over rated , when do you know is the right time to have sex. Now dont get me wrong i know that after just meeting a male in the club, that i should not take him home and screws his brains out, but when should I. Society has done a bad thing in my eyes. It has takin the art of dating and pushed it to the side, for social networks to do the work for us. What happend to gett a phone call askin you to go out, and all you can do that day is think about that your going to wear and how you hope the conversation is endless. Now all you have to do is say ask for his name on facebook or twitter.