DAYS OF WONDER

I havent been writtin in a while becuase, my computer died on me and my cell phone stop working. And all this happend within a week span, talk about shyty days. Even though i want to just stop and give up i know i cant,not just becuase i dont want to be looked at as a fauliue but becuase my mother will not allow me to just give up. And then we have living conditions. Dont get me wrong i love where i am right now and its SO MUCH BETTER THEN JASMINE why its clean and i like the people im with but if i dont hurry up and find a job i will be saying hello to maryland, my room, and people i dont want to see. Some times i dont undersrtand why life will always thru you a curb ball and ten do nuthin to help you out the fire it has just made for you. When i look at life sometimes i think it is nothing but a enemy that will stop at nothig until your gone and it can move on to the next one. I cant say i would not wish this on someone but in reality is is already happendin to other people. yes shyt is just going wrong and i need MONEY out the ass and cant tell you where im going to get it from hell i cant tell u the next time i will see food but i dont kno i be damn if life gets me to a point where i can no longer cont. I know there is something out there more for me and right now i cant see what that is but i know that as long as i keep trying i will over come anything that is put in my path. The we have people just not talking to me no more becuase of an assupmtion that was made by them. it is not my fault that you think something and dont have the common since to see if its true or not. But i will not let that get to me either if we were meant to be friends then we would be but it wasnt in the plans for neither one of us to keep the friendship. I will not say anything bad about you becuase i cant i jsut wish you well in all the things u try to do for your self. But on a lighter note with me not having a phone you know who your TRUE freidns are.becuase they will try anything to get in contact with you, but watch when my phone get back on everybody and there mother will be textin me and callin me. Fake peole make me sick and im glad to be getting all the FAKE people out of my life.

Just a couple of things i wanted to say

People that call there selves friends are really the devil. Im sick and tired of people saying there my friends and then turning there back on me so i have some words for you FUCK YOU and everythings you stahd for. I know that some people that come in my life are nothing but branches that falls off the trees. But any way im not going dwell on the fact friends. So any way life is not going the way i planned it to. i want to have a job, and a good income come in. And to make matters worst im praying that i can graduate in december. And start all over in graduate school. I have a huge fear of things people would never know. Of course im like the average college student when it comes to not being able to graduate. That is fear number one right now, i dont like walking in front of people becuase im afraid im going to fall. I dont like being around alof of people becuase they make me so damn nevers. But im not going to dwell on that either becuase i know that the lord has a plan for me.

Wishful thinking

The last time i blogged i thought i wanted me and my ex to try things again becuase i never loved someone they way i love him. But after this conversation i relaized that he has not grown up at all. He is still the lil boy i broke up with two years ago. After he got out he was suppose to call me and of course he didnt. so i called him and he out and with his other child. I thought i could deal with that and after hearing him say it i cant. i told him i would not leave him and stop talking to him but i dont think i can keep that promise i made to him. when me and him were together i had to push a lil pieace of me aside becuase i found out he had a child and i had to deal with a stupid ass female. And i had always told my self i wasnt ever going to go thru that again. Not saying that this female will bring this drama but i dont want to stay around and hope it dosent happend. Im not going to sit here and say that i can be open minded again but i dont think i can i am a young female that is working towards something. And i like to spend time with the male i call my man, and if i be with him i know i will not get the attention that i want. I know that sounds lil kiddisha of me but hey its the way i feel.

Just when i thought

I really thought i could think about this and not have to blog, but as it seems i cant. Last night i got a phone call from my ex who i was with for damn near six years, and the first thing i heard when i said hello was, you have a free collect call from Prince Georges Coreectional , and i knew it was him. The first thing i said was why are you there. And of course he was there for the same reason he was there for the first two times he called me. Then as the conversation continued he told me he had something to tell me but was to scared to tell me. After I finally got it out of him he told me that he has another daughter that is 2 mon old and was born on my damn birthday. Yes we have not been together for awhile, but we had an understanding, that if we were still feeling the same towards each other after i graduated from school, then me and him would be back together. But after hearing this i just dont know if i can fully be with him after i grauted, becuase i bearly got thru his first baby mother wanted to fuck her up and now he has another one. I love him and will alwyas love him but it ust seem like shyt in his life is going in a complete 360 and nothing is changing. I dont know how to handle this at all. Yes i know that ust mabey he is not the one for me but i ust dont know how to tell my heart that.

Losing my mind

I am a 22 year old female with no job, limited of friends, and i am sitting in the house talking to a damn cat. Why your asking becuase there is nothing else for me to do with my life. I dont have anyone i can call and say hey lets go out, or het come over so we can just chill. I dont have any of that and everyday i wake up i get reminded of how my life has turned out to be. When i was young (2-3) i never thought my life would be this at the age of 22. I always kept saying to my mother i could not wait to be 21 becuase i am going to go out everyweekend and be an adult. LMAO look at me now im sitting in the house writing a fucking blog becuase i cant call no one and really explain the thoughts that go through my mind every single day. I dont even know why i write a blog, WHO THE FUCK READS THIS no damn body and yet and still i write. Some times i sit alone and cry and no one knows that. I put a smile on my face ecerytime someone looks at me just becuase i dont want no body to ask me whats wrong. You would think i was depressed, or going thru a semi mid life crisis, but im not im still in school i have some where to love and food in my stomach and yet and still a piece of me is still not happy. And i know if a couple of people were to read this they would be happy becuase they have great lives, money thats coming out of her ass, a family that will bitch and still give her what she wants, and other people that look at me and wish i would go away and never be seen or heard from again. Im not stupid i know people cant stand me and to be honest i dont care, becuase they more you wish death on me the more i seem to be getting blessed. So like i have been saying for days, Im losing my mind, and no one i can turn to.

Who am I

Over the past four years i have been trying to figure out the person that i am. And to be honest i have yet to figure out who i am. I want to do so much, but i cant becuase of this stupid thing we humans call fear. It is so funny to me becuase growing up i was the tomboy that played with the boys, and tried so hard not to be the "popular girl". I know thats funny becuase alot of people like to be in the in crowd, but i was never like that. I loved to be the person that stayed out of the lime light. I never wanted to be involoved with the drama i seen so many of my friends in. Thats another thing that was funny i was never the one in the in corwd, but i knew them and was cool with some of them. I dont know whats wrong with me, i never wanted to be just the tomboy that got along with people, i wanted to step outside of my comfort zone and do things i had never did before. To this day i want to do things i never would see my self doing, and yet i just cant find the courage to do it. When i say do things, i dont mean just thr girly things, but things like doing poetry in front of people, doing pagents that way i can open more doors for myself, learning how to do y on hair(yes i dont know how). So many things i wanted to do and i have not, i feel as though i have missed out on so many things in my life and im never going to be able to get my life back. Sitting here writing this is making me think more about when I get older am i still going to be afriad to go after my dreams? Will i have a job that i will love and not a job i just have to do in order to make money? Will i find some one to love while i have a career? all these questions scare me becuase i honeslty dont see me saying yes to any of them. Dont get me wrong I want these things to happend for me but I dont see them happening for me. I walk outside evryday hoping i will do something outside of comfort zone and everynight i know i havent. I go to sleep everynight thinking about what i want to do with my life and how things would be different if i grew up not being afraid to do things and not being afriad to open up to people and let them in. I use to think it was people judging me that would scare me and was the reason i never did anything, but it is not other people judging me, it is me doing it to myself. I am my own worst enemy. i am the one telling myself i am ugly and no one will ever want you as a girlfriend, im telling myself that i will never be able to get a 3.5 in college becuase i am not smart enough. all the things i think people are saying about me i am actually saying them about my self. So now i still sit and ask my self Who Am I?

cant beleve i did that

SO last night i went out for Uncle Danny's Birthday and like a stupid ass i dropped my damn phone in the toliet. So now i have to wait to see if the rice will help. i hope and pray that it will work becuase i dont have $100.00 for a new phone right now. I swear when things go right, something always happends to make it go wrong, but i will not let this stop me. Even though i really need my phone this weekend i will not let this get to me. Some times i feel as though life likes to play games, and no matter how many times you say you dont want to play, life keeps playing with you; just becuase you think thing are going well, there really not.

This is it for now nothin else really on my mind