one foot in and one foot out

I Just dont understand i have an issue but to me it is not an issue i dont like asking people for anything, yes it comes from people always using it over me, but i just cant do it, there is something in me that stops me even people that i know will never use it againt me i still can ask them. i dont even like asking my mother for anything. and know here it is my senior year and xmas time has come around and i dont have money to go home. so instead of asking gregory (like a dad) i will stay here. i know that is wrong but i just cant keep calling him asking him for money. it hurts that i cant do anything for hime but here i am always need something for him. No one told me to go to college this was a choice i made on my own, and i know that but i wish i would have known what i was getting in to before i applied never having any money nor food just nothaving always looking at people have. now dont get me wrong i have a wonderful mom who has bust her ass to get me what i need and want. but i am tired of just making it, which is the reason why i want to make something of myslef so i never have to feel this feeling ever again. and even if i do have chilren i dont want them to feel like i feel know. no i will not spoil them but i dont want people espeically children to feel this way.

thought central

He may not come when you want himm but he will be there right on time. I can honeslty say prayer works, but you cant just do it when you want something you have to do it all the time and i do i thank him everyday just for waking me up in the morning. Thigs are slowly looking up for me, this morning i receieved my almost there later tellin me as long as i pass these class this semaster and next then may 1 2011 i will be walking cross the stage and becoming a college graduate, and i cant wait. even though everything i want to happend may not be happening right now, they will work their self out. Then we have my family, lord is all i can say my mom is going back and fouth to the doctor and just recently had surgory. she is ok and back home but i can honeslty say i was scared, becuase my mother is my world i dont know what i would do without her. My cousins are gettin in trouble and this time it wasnt even my older cousin faut and yet the system cant see a black man is tryin to change they just see what he has done in the pass. I just pray everyday that he gets out and can really start his life. My friends are doing great even though they have a up and down himm battle , we all day it is called life, they are here for me just like i am there for them and i cant love them anymore then i alreay do. My classes are going good cant complain. But then we have this male in my life that is my friend and l like the fact that we are friends, but the more i get to know him the more i start to like him, and i am not like other females who say they like a male but cant say why i actually can list all the reasons why i like him. a persons personality can go a long way. but the funny thing is you might think i want a relationship and i dont i know i cant not handle one right now i have just started liking being alone and doing things by myself. dont get me wrong having a male there sometimes is enjoying but i want to really know me inside and out, i cant be with someone who i am tryin to really get to know and get to know my self to, that will not work so i am taking time to know who i am, what i want and what i dont want, and get things right so i can graudate. So i dont want a relationship right now but working towards one in the future would be nice i would love just to date for a while. all these things go thur my mind everyday along with school, class and just life in gerneral. I wish there was a ball i could rub that would give me some answeres so i know if i was on the right road. I dont want to invest my time in someone who is just like a season here today gone tomorrow. I cant be honest and say i have not had much look with males since my real ex boyfriend for 6 years, yea i have had many males that i thought were boyfriends and even called them that but at the end of the day they were just there to past the time and i know that is bad but after thinking about it, if it was as series as he and i thought we still would be together and were not, so for me to actually have feelings for this male like this is scare, yes i have had feelings for males before especially last year but it wasnt like this i light up when i get a call and or text, just the thought of getting to know him better makes me smile. Just hope i am not wasting my time with this. I hope and pray every thing for my classes go great and nuthing stops me from grauduating in May becuase this is a time that chould have been here but now that is is coming i cant be more happier. I just have to figure out what my next step will be. I know i should have already thought this out, but to be honest i really dont know what i want to do, go back to school to get my Ph.D or take a year off and work and save all my money. I just dont know and this is what scares me the most about grauduation, it is not the fact that the loans need to be repaid it is the fact of what do i do now that i am no longer in school. Where is my life now are the questions i am asking my self everyday. To be honest i dont think i am the only senior asking the same questions, about what i need to do and what i should do. Thoughts of a college senior......

how many is to many/ what happend to the date game

You never know where you might get your inspriation from. After talking to Mr. Floyd today and then watchin sex in the city i have to ask how many is to many. If you cant catch what i am talking about i am refering to sex patners. For as long as i can remeber i have alway been told never to sleep around, dont have to many males knowing parts of you that only you and god should know. But i have also been around long enough to know and see that it is only females that get that talk. Males get the talk that goes make sure you use a condom. Why is that?(another day topic) If i decide that i just want to be free and test the waters why must i be a ho. Why cant i simple be expressing my self thru sex. here is another question becuase we now live in a world where dating seems so over rated , when do you know is the right time to have sex. Now dont get me wrong i know that after just meeting a male in the club, that i should not take him home and screws his brains out, but when should I. Society has done a bad thing in my eyes. It has takin the art of dating and pushed it to the side, for social networks to do the work for us. What happend to gett a phone call askin you to go out, and all you can do that day is think about that your going to wear and how you hope the conversation is endless. Now all you have to do is say ask for his name on facebook or twitter.

bipolar season

I have not blogged in a minute, and it is not becuase i dont want to, but becuase i didnt have to words to descibre the feelings i have been having every single day for the last 3 months. Of course bad things happends to people and i am not excused from that. But i got up on my feet and for the first time in a LONG time i woke up every day feeling happy. Now people who know me knows that it has been a long time since i have been really happy. I still cant explain why but then again i dont want to know why i just loved waking up happy, going thru my day happy. Then a storm came thru and it hit me hard, out of no where i found my self wanting the days to go by so i didnt have to be around people, or think about the things that were slowly creeping up on me. I felt the happiness just go away without even a good bye note. I prayed everyday for a gleamer of happiness to come back and of course it didnt, that stop stayed ontop of me like a mother beating her bad 8 year old child. Things seemed to be getting worst and dont think after reading this that things are back to where they need to be becuase they are not, the only thing that has changed in my equation of life is i have moved passed the storm of my happiness and it is back. I not longer want to walk around feeling like i am carring the world, becuase i cant change alot of things that happend in my life, but i can learn and grow from them. EVEN stiuations that i have no idea what i was suppose to learn from them i still dont let them get to me, becuase I know there is a bigger plan for me and right now is the time i put in the work and not the time i know what the plan is. I have come to far to turn back know, and to be honest i dont think i would be able to deal with life is i stopped now. This morning i seen a white woman on the bus and she had her things with her, so i already knew she was homeless, now normaly homeless people dont get a reaction out of me becuase i know how it feels to be homeless and living in a sheltar with your mom, but for some reason looking at this woman made tears come to my eyes becuase i she was looking for a soap kitchen to get something to eat but could not find it and i wanted to give her some money so bad and i could not becuase i need money to get back and fouth to school with and i dont even have money for myself to eat. But the bus driver gave her $5.00 and that woman statred to cry. I felt her pain for the rest of the drive. I dont know why and i cant explain it but she touch me in a way that no one else i have seen on the streets has. The lord puts things in your life to see how well you will handle the situation. I hope i am not failing him becuase i cant afford to let my self down.

It is what it is

Well of course i have not express my self in a long time, so you know what that means alot has been going on. School is back and i was blessed to not have to owe money and i have a nice apt to come to every night. I can honeslty say i feel a change with me and today my best friend pointed it out i feel happier. I dont know why and who am i to question it. Dont get me wrong i have bad days like everyone else but i am just happy and i dont kno if it is becuase some people are out of my life and that stress is gone or if the lord is slowly guiding me in the correct direction, but either way i feel great. I am goin to work my Azz off to make sure come may i will be walking i can not let nothing or no one stop me. When it comes to males i have someone that i am physicaly attracted to and i think his soul and thought process would make my soul feel free but i dont think that it is going any where and to be honest it kinda sucked at first but i cant let that get to me i have a goal and i will not let something like that get me un focsed on the goal ahead. The males i use to talk to i no longer talk to them because i feel as though if i am going to cont to grow as a woman i have to get the childish things out of my life. and that goes for people i thought were my friends also. i can say i feel less stress then the last time i wrote.

The Year begins for me

Well i thought i wasnt going to be able to finish what little i have left of school, but thru the grace of god, my mother, and her friend i am back and prayin i dont run into any finiacal issues again this year. There has beeen alot of things goin on and to be honest i could only see the bad but thinkin about it and talkin to my wonderful friends i know see that this was another test within my life to see if i could i can handle it, and to be honest i wouls give my self a C-. There so many things i want and need to do in order to be as suecessful as i want and becuase i dont know when the lord will call me home i try to live my life every day as if it was my last. I can no longer keep walkin around with my head held down and hoping no one sees me. As we all know there alot of people i no longer speak to and to be honest i feel as though it is for the best. Yes i miss some of the friendships i had i can not live in the pass i have to move forward becuase i know they could care less, and i need to do the same.

Just when things are going good shyt happends

I havent been on here in Mon. and it is not becuase i havent wanted to, but becuase life seems to be hitting me so hard that i bearly can breath. Where do i start........ well of course in the beginning of the year i almost had to come home becuase i like many other people in the US lack the funds i need to stay in school, but i thought that i had people to back me up like jasmine i thought that even though we had been thru our issues she would not fuck me over but of course the devil will work in places you dont think he will and he worked in that sitaution. And to be honest i believe that was just the lord telling me i didnt need to be in that situation. And then i was hiding out on Saint Augustine's College just so i could finish school, and of course people will always mind other people bussiness and i had to leave there. Then a blessing came my way and i not only had a place to stay, food on the take and A CLEAN HOUSE but people that helped me with no thougts about me having to pay them back. (friends) And of course we all know that as soon as things are going good something will come and fuck your life up. I had a job, and life was going great but then i had to leave becuase the rental office found out that i was there and i dont need real friends gettin put out becuase of me. So on June 18th 2010 i had to come back to a place that makes me itch Maryland. Yes this is a place i call home and a plcae my mother is and friends, but have you ever meant a person that just needs to get out and be free. well i am that person. I dont like it here i feel as though i will never grow. i dont want to be stuck here working a job that makes me feel less of a person. DOnt get me wrong there some good things and people that come out of this state, but i beleiev if i stay here i will never leave. And the way things are looking now i dont have the money to go back to school. And thats another thing that is killing me i was suppose to graduate may 2010 and i didnt becuase on one hand i fucked up bad and on the other hand the psychology department sucks and could care less how long it takes us to leave that school. I have had some many thoughts to grow thru my head and NO ONE to talk to. Yes i have two best friends but even sometimes they dont understand the shyt i think about. I have to admit i even thought about takin my own life a couple of times becuase things seem to be gettin worst each day i woke up and i was tired of it. And i cant tell you what made me not do it. I have people that i use to call friends at school and becuase i could not attend graduation they choose not to talk to me and to be honest i am not upset i now see who will can and can not call friends. I also lost another friend that i thought was going to be around for awile. And i didnt lose that friendship for something series i lost it becuase we are two sttuborn people that feel as though we both were right. And sometimes i miss that friendship but other times i think it was for the best. Things that has been going on is helping me grow, even though right now i cant see it i know in the long run i will look back on this and think god.
Other things i have been going thru is nuthing but pure female things, i have reach an age that i no longer want the same males i use to want when i was in high school, you know the wannna bee thugs, and drug dealers, i want a male that has something going for him, and i dont know if it is me or what but i am as alone as i have ever been and it is scaring the hell out of me. Since i was 15 i have always had a male in my life boyfriend, good make friend or just male i was just having sex with, either way i had someone. And yes i know that i dont need a male in my life but sometimes i want it, i want to call someone or go out on dates, or sometimes roll over to a male in the morning without having had sex the night before. But it seem as though i cant get that. Yes i know before i can deal with this issue i have to deal with the first one. But sometimes i wish i had someone to help me get thur this, becuase to be honest my mother and friends are not enough anymore. Now i have to ask myself what am i going to do when i have nuthing or no one to turn to. Life is crazy and the only thing i can do is live it.