one foot in and one foot out

I Just dont understand i have an issue but to me it is not an issue i dont like asking people for anything, yes it comes from people always using it over me, but i just cant do it, there is something in me that stops me even people that i know will never use it againt me i still can ask them. i dont even like asking my mother for anything. and know here it is my senior year and xmas time has come around and i dont have money to go home. so instead of asking gregory (like a dad) i will stay here. i know that is wrong but i just cant keep calling him asking him for money. it hurts that i cant do anything for hime but here i am always need something for him. No one told me to go to college this was a choice i made on my own, and i know that but i wish i would have known what i was getting in to before i applied never having any money nor food just nothaving always looking at people have. now dont get me wrong i have a wonderful mom who has bust her ass to get me what i need and want. but i am tired of just making it, which is the reason why i want to make something of myslef so i never have to feel this feeling ever again. and even if i do have chilren i dont want them to feel like i feel know. no i will not spoil them but i dont want people espeically children to feel this way.

thought central

He may not come when you want himm but he will be there right on time. I can honeslty say prayer works, but you cant just do it when you want something you have to do it all the time and i do i thank him everyday just for waking me up in the morning. Thigs are slowly looking up for me, this morning i receieved my almost there later tellin me as long as i pass these class this semaster and next then may 1 2011 i will be walking cross the stage and becoming a college graduate, and i cant wait. even though everything i want to happend may not be happening right now, they will work their self out. Then we have my family, lord is all i can say my mom is going back and fouth to the doctor and just recently had surgory. she is ok and back home but i can honeslty say i was scared, becuase my mother is my world i dont know what i would do without her. My cousins are gettin in trouble and this time it wasnt even my older cousin faut and yet the system cant see a black man is tryin to change they just see what he has done in the pass. I just pray everyday that he gets out and can really start his life. My friends are doing great even though they have a up and down himm battle , we all day it is called life, they are here for me just like i am there for them and i cant love them anymore then i alreay do. My classes are going good cant complain. But then we have this male in my life that is my friend and l like the fact that we are friends, but the more i get to know him the more i start to like him, and i am not like other females who say they like a male but cant say why i actually can list all the reasons why i like him. a persons personality can go a long way. but the funny thing is you might think i want a relationship and i dont i know i cant not handle one right now i have just started liking being alone and doing things by myself. dont get me wrong having a male there sometimes is enjoying but i want to really know me inside and out, i cant be with someone who i am tryin to really get to know and get to know my self to, that will not work so i am taking time to know who i am, what i want and what i dont want, and get things right so i can graudate. So i dont want a relationship right now but working towards one in the future would be nice i would love just to date for a while. all these things go thur my mind everyday along with school, class and just life in gerneral. I wish there was a ball i could rub that would give me some answeres so i know if i was on the right road. I dont want to invest my time in someone who is just like a season here today gone tomorrow. I cant be honest and say i have not had much look with males since my real ex boyfriend for 6 years, yea i have had many males that i thought were boyfriends and even called them that but at the end of the day they were just there to past the time and i know that is bad but after thinking about it, if it was as series as he and i thought we still would be together and were not, so for me to actually have feelings for this male like this is scare, yes i have had feelings for males before especially last year but it wasnt like this i light up when i get a call and or text, just the thought of getting to know him better makes me smile. Just hope i am not wasting my time with this. I hope and pray every thing for my classes go great and nuthing stops me from grauduating in May becuase this is a time that chould have been here but now that is is coming i cant be more happier. I just have to figure out what my next step will be. I know i should have already thought this out, but to be honest i really dont know what i want to do, go back to school to get my Ph.D or take a year off and work and save all my money. I just dont know and this is what scares me the most about grauduation, it is not the fact that the loans need to be repaid it is the fact of what do i do now that i am no longer in school. Where is my life now are the questions i am asking my self everyday. To be honest i dont think i am the only senior asking the same questions, about what i need to do and what i should do. Thoughts of a college senior......

how many is to many/ what happend to the date game

You never know where you might get your inspriation from. After talking to Mr. Floyd today and then watchin sex in the city i have to ask how many is to many. If you cant catch what i am talking about i am refering to sex patners. For as long as i can remeber i have alway been told never to sleep around, dont have to many males knowing parts of you that only you and god should know. But i have also been around long enough to know and see that it is only females that get that talk. Males get the talk that goes make sure you use a condom. Why is that?(another day topic) If i decide that i just want to be free and test the waters why must i be a ho. Why cant i simple be expressing my self thru sex. here is another question becuase we now live in a world where dating seems so over rated , when do you know is the right time to have sex. Now dont get me wrong i know that after just meeting a male in the club, that i should not take him home and screws his brains out, but when should I. Society has done a bad thing in my eyes. It has takin the art of dating and pushed it to the side, for social networks to do the work for us. What happend to gett a phone call askin you to go out, and all you can do that day is think about that your going to wear and how you hope the conversation is endless. Now all you have to do is say ask for his name on facebook or twitter.

bipolar season

I have not blogged in a minute, and it is not becuase i dont want to, but becuase i didnt have to words to descibre the feelings i have been having every single day for the last 3 months. Of course bad things happends to people and i am not excused from that. But i got up on my feet and for the first time in a LONG time i woke up every day feeling happy. Now people who know me knows that it has been a long time since i have been really happy. I still cant explain why but then again i dont want to know why i just loved waking up happy, going thru my day happy. Then a storm came thru and it hit me hard, out of no where i found my self wanting the days to go by so i didnt have to be around people, or think about the things that were slowly creeping up on me. I felt the happiness just go away without even a good bye note. I prayed everyday for a gleamer of happiness to come back and of course it didnt, that stop stayed ontop of me like a mother beating her bad 8 year old child. Things seemed to be getting worst and dont think after reading this that things are back to where they need to be becuase they are not, the only thing that has changed in my equation of life is i have moved passed the storm of my happiness and it is back. I not longer want to walk around feeling like i am carring the world, becuase i cant change alot of things that happend in my life, but i can learn and grow from them. EVEN stiuations that i have no idea what i was suppose to learn from them i still dont let them get to me, becuase I know there is a bigger plan for me and right now is the time i put in the work and not the time i know what the plan is. I have come to far to turn back know, and to be honest i dont think i would be able to deal with life is i stopped now. This morning i seen a white woman on the bus and she had her things with her, so i already knew she was homeless, now normaly homeless people dont get a reaction out of me becuase i know how it feels to be homeless and living in a sheltar with your mom, but for some reason looking at this woman made tears come to my eyes becuase i she was looking for a soap kitchen to get something to eat but could not find it and i wanted to give her some money so bad and i could not becuase i need money to get back and fouth to school with and i dont even have money for myself to eat. But the bus driver gave her $5.00 and that woman statred to cry. I felt her pain for the rest of the drive. I dont know why and i cant explain it but she touch me in a way that no one else i have seen on the streets has. The lord puts things in your life to see how well you will handle the situation. I hope i am not failing him becuase i cant afford to let my self down.

It is what it is

Well of course i have not express my self in a long time, so you know what that means alot has been going on. School is back and i was blessed to not have to owe money and i have a nice apt to come to every night. I can honeslty say i feel a change with me and today my best friend pointed it out i feel happier. I dont know why and who am i to question it. Dont get me wrong i have bad days like everyone else but i am just happy and i dont kno if it is becuase some people are out of my life and that stress is gone or if the lord is slowly guiding me in the correct direction, but either way i feel great. I am goin to work my Azz off to make sure come may i will be walking i can not let nothing or no one stop me. When it comes to males i have someone that i am physicaly attracted to and i think his soul and thought process would make my soul feel free but i dont think that it is going any where and to be honest it kinda sucked at first but i cant let that get to me i have a goal and i will not let something like that get me un focsed on the goal ahead. The males i use to talk to i no longer talk to them because i feel as though if i am going to cont to grow as a woman i have to get the childish things out of my life. and that goes for people i thought were my friends also. i can say i feel less stress then the last time i wrote.

The Year begins for me

Well i thought i wasnt going to be able to finish what little i have left of school, but thru the grace of god, my mother, and her friend i am back and prayin i dont run into any finiacal issues again this year. There has beeen alot of things goin on and to be honest i could only see the bad but thinkin about it and talkin to my wonderful friends i know see that this was another test within my life to see if i could i can handle it, and to be honest i wouls give my self a C-. There so many things i want and need to do in order to be as suecessful as i want and becuase i dont know when the lord will call me home i try to live my life every day as if it was my last. I can no longer keep walkin around with my head held down and hoping no one sees me. As we all know there alot of people i no longer speak to and to be honest i feel as though it is for the best. Yes i miss some of the friendships i had i can not live in the pass i have to move forward becuase i know they could care less, and i need to do the same.

Just when things are going good shyt happends

I havent been on here in Mon. and it is not becuase i havent wanted to, but becuase life seems to be hitting me so hard that i bearly can breath. Where do i start........ well of course in the beginning of the year i almost had to come home becuase i like many other people in the US lack the funds i need to stay in school, but i thought that i had people to back me up like jasmine i thought that even though we had been thru our issues she would not fuck me over but of course the devil will work in places you dont think he will and he worked in that sitaution. And to be honest i believe that was just the lord telling me i didnt need to be in that situation. And then i was hiding out on Saint Augustine's College just so i could finish school, and of course people will always mind other people bussiness and i had to leave there. Then a blessing came my way and i not only had a place to stay, food on the take and A CLEAN HOUSE but people that helped me with no thougts about me having to pay them back. (friends) And of course we all know that as soon as things are going good something will come and fuck your life up. I had a job, and life was going great but then i had to leave becuase the rental office found out that i was there and i dont need real friends gettin put out becuase of me. So on June 18th 2010 i had to come back to a place that makes me itch Maryland. Yes this is a place i call home and a plcae my mother is and friends, but have you ever meant a person that just needs to get out and be free. well i am that person. I dont like it here i feel as though i will never grow. i dont want to be stuck here working a job that makes me feel less of a person. DOnt get me wrong there some good things and people that come out of this state, but i beleiev if i stay here i will never leave. And the way things are looking now i dont have the money to go back to school. And thats another thing that is killing me i was suppose to graduate may 2010 and i didnt becuase on one hand i fucked up bad and on the other hand the psychology department sucks and could care less how long it takes us to leave that school. I have had some many thoughts to grow thru my head and NO ONE to talk to. Yes i have two best friends but even sometimes they dont understand the shyt i think about. I have to admit i even thought about takin my own life a couple of times becuase things seem to be gettin worst each day i woke up and i was tired of it. And i cant tell you what made me not do it. I have people that i use to call friends at school and becuase i could not attend graduation they choose not to talk to me and to be honest i am not upset i now see who will can and can not call friends. I also lost another friend that i thought was going to be around for awile. And i didnt lose that friendship for something series i lost it becuase we are two sttuborn people that feel as though we both were right. And sometimes i miss that friendship but other times i think it was for the best. Things that has been going on is helping me grow, even though right now i cant see it i know in the long run i will look back on this and think god.
Other things i have been going thru is nuthing but pure female things, i have reach an age that i no longer want the same males i use to want when i was in high school, you know the wannna bee thugs, and drug dealers, i want a male that has something going for him, and i dont know if it is me or what but i am as alone as i have ever been and it is scaring the hell out of me. Since i was 15 i have always had a male in my life boyfriend, good make friend or just male i was just having sex with, either way i had someone. And yes i know that i dont need a male in my life but sometimes i want it, i want to call someone or go out on dates, or sometimes roll over to a male in the morning without having had sex the night before. But it seem as though i cant get that. Yes i know before i can deal with this issue i have to deal with the first one. But sometimes i wish i had someone to help me get thur this, becuase to be honest my mother and friends are not enough anymore. Now i have to ask myself what am i going to do when i have nuthing or no one to turn to. Life is crazy and the only thing i can do is live it.

DAYS OF WONDER

I havent been writtin in a while becuase, my computer died on me and my cell phone stop working. And all this happend within a week span, talk about shyty days. Even though i want to just stop and give up i know i cant,not just becuase i dont want to be looked at as a fauliue but becuase my mother will not allow me to just give up. And then we have living conditions. Dont get me wrong i love where i am right now and its SO MUCH BETTER THEN JASMINE why its clean and i like the people im with but if i dont hurry up and find a job i will be saying hello to maryland, my room, and people i dont want to see. Some times i dont undersrtand why life will always thru you a curb ball and ten do nuthin to help you out the fire it has just made for you. When i look at life sometimes i think it is nothing but a enemy that will stop at nothig until your gone and it can move on to the next one. I cant say i would not wish this on someone but in reality is is already happendin to other people. yes shyt is just going wrong and i need MONEY out the ass and cant tell you where im going to get it from hell i cant tell u the next time i will see food but i dont kno i be damn if life gets me to a point where i can no longer cont. I know there is something out there more for me and right now i cant see what that is but i know that as long as i keep trying i will over come anything that is put in my path. The we have people just not talking to me no more becuase of an assupmtion that was made by them. it is not my fault that you think something and dont have the common since to see if its true or not. But i will not let that get to me either if we were meant to be friends then we would be but it wasnt in the plans for neither one of us to keep the friendship. I will not say anything bad about you becuase i cant i jsut wish you well in all the things u try to do for your self. But on a lighter note with me not having a phone you know who your TRUE freidns are.becuase they will try anything to get in contact with you, but watch when my phone get back on everybody and there mother will be textin me and callin me. Fake peole make me sick and im glad to be getting all the FAKE people out of my life.

Just a couple of things i wanted to say

People that call there selves friends are really the devil. Im sick and tired of people saying there my friends and then turning there back on me so i have some words for you FUCK YOU and everythings you stahd for. I know that some people that come in my life are nothing but branches that falls off the trees. But any way im not going dwell on the fact friends. So any way life is not going the way i planned it to. i want to have a job, and a good income come in. And to make matters worst im praying that i can graduate in december. And start all over in graduate school. I have a huge fear of things people would never know. Of course im like the average college student when it comes to not being able to graduate. That is fear number one right now, i dont like walking in front of people becuase im afraid im going to fall. I dont like being around alof of people becuase they make me so damn nevers. But im not going to dwell on that either becuase i know that the lord has a plan for me.

Wishful thinking

The last time i blogged i thought i wanted me and my ex to try things again becuase i never loved someone they way i love him. But after this conversation i relaized that he has not grown up at all. He is still the lil boy i broke up with two years ago. After he got out he was suppose to call me and of course he didnt. so i called him and he out and with his other child. I thought i could deal with that and after hearing him say it i cant. i told him i would not leave him and stop talking to him but i dont think i can keep that promise i made to him. when me and him were together i had to push a lil pieace of me aside becuase i found out he had a child and i had to deal with a stupid ass female. And i had always told my self i wasnt ever going to go thru that again. Not saying that this female will bring this drama but i dont want to stay around and hope it dosent happend. Im not going to sit here and say that i can be open minded again but i dont think i can i am a young female that is working towards something. And i like to spend time with the male i call my man, and if i be with him i know i will not get the attention that i want. I know that sounds lil kiddisha of me but hey its the way i feel.

Just when i thought

I really thought i could think about this and not have to blog, but as it seems i cant. Last night i got a phone call from my ex who i was with for damn near six years, and the first thing i heard when i said hello was, you have a free collect call from Prince Georges Coreectional , and i knew it was him. The first thing i said was why are you there. And of course he was there for the same reason he was there for the first two times he called me. Then as the conversation continued he told me he had something to tell me but was to scared to tell me. After I finally got it out of him he told me that he has another daughter that is 2 mon old and was born on my damn birthday. Yes we have not been together for awhile, but we had an understanding, that if we were still feeling the same towards each other after i graduated from school, then me and him would be back together. But after hearing this i just dont know if i can fully be with him after i grauted, becuase i bearly got thru his first baby mother wanted to fuck her up and now he has another one. I love him and will alwyas love him but it ust seem like shyt in his life is going in a complete 360 and nothing is changing. I dont know how to handle this at all. Yes i know that ust mabey he is not the one for me but i ust dont know how to tell my heart that.

Losing my mind

I am a 22 year old female with no job, limited of friends, and i am sitting in the house talking to a damn cat. Why your asking becuase there is nothing else for me to do with my life. I dont have anyone i can call and say hey lets go out, or het come over so we can just chill. I dont have any of that and everyday i wake up i get reminded of how my life has turned out to be. When i was young (2-3) i never thought my life would be this at the age of 22. I always kept saying to my mother i could not wait to be 21 becuase i am going to go out everyweekend and be an adult. LMAO look at me now im sitting in the house writing a fucking blog becuase i cant call no one and really explain the thoughts that go through my mind every single day. I dont even know why i write a blog, WHO THE FUCK READS THIS no damn body and yet and still i write. Some times i sit alone and cry and no one knows that. I put a smile on my face ecerytime someone looks at me just becuase i dont want no body to ask me whats wrong. You would think i was depressed, or going thru a semi mid life crisis, but im not im still in school i have some where to love and food in my stomach and yet and still a piece of me is still not happy. And i know if a couple of people were to read this they would be happy becuase they have great lives, money thats coming out of her ass, a family that will bitch and still give her what she wants, and other people that look at me and wish i would go away and never be seen or heard from again. Im not stupid i know people cant stand me and to be honest i dont care, becuase they more you wish death on me the more i seem to be getting blessed. So like i have been saying for days, Im losing my mind, and no one i can turn to.

Who am I

Over the past four years i have been trying to figure out the person that i am. And to be honest i have yet to figure out who i am. I want to do so much, but i cant becuase of this stupid thing we humans call fear. It is so funny to me becuase growing up i was the tomboy that played with the boys, and tried so hard not to be the "popular girl". I know thats funny becuase alot of people like to be in the in crowd, but i was never like that. I loved to be the person that stayed out of the lime light. I never wanted to be involoved with the drama i seen so many of my friends in. Thats another thing that was funny i was never the one in the in corwd, but i knew them and was cool with some of them. I dont know whats wrong with me, i never wanted to be just the tomboy that got along with people, i wanted to step outside of my comfort zone and do things i had never did before. To this day i want to do things i never would see my self doing, and yet i just cant find the courage to do it. When i say do things, i dont mean just thr girly things, but things like doing poetry in front of people, doing pagents that way i can open more doors for myself, learning how to do y on hair(yes i dont know how). So many things i wanted to do and i have not, i feel as though i have missed out on so many things in my life and im never going to be able to get my life back. Sitting here writing this is making me think more about when I get older am i still going to be afriad to go after my dreams? Will i have a job that i will love and not a job i just have to do in order to make money? Will i find some one to love while i have a career? all these questions scare me becuase i honeslty dont see me saying yes to any of them. Dont get me wrong I want these things to happend for me but I dont see them happening for me. I walk outside evryday hoping i will do something outside of comfort zone and everynight i know i havent. I go to sleep everynight thinking about what i want to do with my life and how things would be different if i grew up not being afraid to do things and not being afriad to open up to people and let them in. I use to think it was people judging me that would scare me and was the reason i never did anything, but it is not other people judging me, it is me doing it to myself. I am my own worst enemy. i am the one telling myself i am ugly and no one will ever want you as a girlfriend, im telling myself that i will never be able to get a 3.5 in college becuase i am not smart enough. all the things i think people are saying about me i am actually saying them about my self. So now i still sit and ask my self Who Am I?

cant beleve i did that

SO last night i went out for Uncle Danny's Birthday and like a stupid ass i dropped my damn phone in the toliet. So now i have to wait to see if the rice will help. i hope and pray that it will work becuase i dont have $100.00 for a new phone right now. I swear when things go right, something always happends to make it go wrong, but i will not let this stop me. Even though i really need my phone this weekend i will not let this get to me. Some times i feel as though life likes to play games, and no matter how many times you say you dont want to play, life keeps playing with you; just becuase you think thing are going well, there really not.

This is it for now nothin else really on my mind

Did you think i was fucking stupid

I am not the prettiest female walking around, but damn why do niggas think that i am fucking stupid. Yes we have had sex, but dont think that just becuase we have had sex more then 2 or three times that you little kid games are going to work on me. I hate niggas that feel as though they have to lie and play in order to get a female. I dont know about any other female but i think NO, a matter a fact i know that i am real and i will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. i will be the lady in the streets and the freak in the sheets. i have a good head on my shoulder, i go after what i want and let nothing or no one stop me. But istead of that niggas want the hoes in the street and in the sheets. I will never understand. And dont get it twisted this is not becuase i think i need a male in my life becuase i dont i really dont, but i am just tired of niggas thinking they can lie and it will be ok in my book, becuase i sorry it will not be at all. I thought i wanted a relationship with a male, but after he lied and fucked a ho i no longer seen him as a male i wanted in my life. Yes like the ass i am i still talked to him as a friend, and not i feel like the ass and i dont like that feeling. I just need to get this out.

things i cant tell people

This weekend was an eventful one, I relaize something about my self, i have become a home body and i never use to be this way. I dont have a life at all. I use to love going out with my friends and hanging out with males i was talking to. But now i dont do anything besides go to clas, look for a job, and go home. What life is that i use to make fun of my mother for always being in the house and now look at me, I have become her and i dont like it, dont get me wrong i love my mother but i dont want to be a house body. Now we have Mr. D, i have had my eye on him since last semaster but of cousre me being me i never did anything about it, but Friday he came back around and sit with me until my friends came to the resturant. We had a good conversation, and Saturday we were going to go out, but couldnt find a place to go, so we just stayed on the phone for 2 hours talking about stupid shyt, I had a good conversation with him, it felt nice cuz i was tired of talkin to niggas that had sex on the brain 24/7 and had no real conversation becuase they were letting there dick think for them. I was talking to tiffany Sat night and told her things i havent even told my best friend yet, things like i dont feel as though i need to keep talkin to the males i talk to because nothing is going to come out of them, and im glad becuase two of them i already had a relaionship with and i dont want to go back down that road ever again. And then the "Fuck-up" (as tiff calls him) is no longer keeping my attention the was he use to, and yes i stared feeling like this after he fucked up and instead of leaving him alone i just couldnt stay away from the dick. And yes i kno that is bad and i need to stop before i catch feelings again but the sex is so good i cant help my self, and i have no body to blame but my self. Then we have MR. D i just dont know about him, i told him i was intrested and we talked and talked but were on the same page when it comes to relationships which is a good thing we both feel like if it happends with some one then it will happend, but if not it is not the end of the world like some girls feel like. Now on to what i really want to get out. My mother is liein to me becuase i kno something is wrong with her and she will not tell me becuase according to her i have enough stress and i dont need more, but her not telling me is making me stress even more. I want to make it on my on and stand on my own to feet, but at the same time i want to go home and just lay next to my mom and talk like i use to do when i was little. But of course who am i going to tell this, no body will really understand the feeling i have right now. Its a shame becuase when i was young all i wanted to be was grown, and now that time has finally given me what i was always asking for, all i want to do is go back to the years when life was so simple, no bills, no stress , and no drama. But of course i can go backwards and i have to deal with what ever life throws my way.

good to bad in 60sec

The day started out ok, woke up with a smile on my face, came to school on time,went to class, and played outside with the rest of the losers i go to school with. so It then comes down to things starting to go on. brittany from the softball team lost her phone and i had it so i had to get in connect with her which was no issue cuzx i would want someone to do that for me. Then i was on the phone with my mother and she asked about nette, and i told her ididnt kno where she was ad i dont care, and as soon as isaid that i seen her, of course my mther told me to speak but im not going to,becuase she wasnt a real friend to me and i refuse to say anything to a fake ass person. Then of course i see who else Jasmine the (light skin want a bee) she of course pretended like she didnt see me and of course my stupid ass lughed becuase i just dont care anymore about anything. Now we come to why i just got upset. Im in the lab, doing my work for class and the damn comp decideds it wants to put in my work and save it, and now i had to start over 3 times and i refuse to do anymore today, i will do it all tomorrow. Now other then that my day has been good. it is a nice day outside and i feel great. Oh before i forget, Dominique brought me jeans and i hope they fit cuz im wearing them tomorrow if they do. No lets start with my emotions for today, i feel as though people are getting bigger or tryin to get bigger then what ther really are, and they need to chill the fuck out for real, Just becuase a nigga fucks you once or twice dont mean that he want to be ur man, and just cuz u think im fucking him dont mean u need to start looking at me fuckin sideways. And to the niggas please pull ur fuckin pants up and stop thinkin that all females want to fuck you, here is a NEWS FLASH we dont.

Ha Ha Ha

What can life bring me? The question i was stupid enough to ask my self or some strange reason. Over the course of one week i have moved with Tiffany (Rent Free) (real friend), seen MS.Smith Cousin at target and got told by my ex, that basically he lied to me and he is not shit. So Again I have asked my self a question that i really didnt want to know the answers to, but yet and still i found out the hard way. I would be a fool to say that i didnt have people in my life i could not count on, becuase that is not tru. Yes it is not the many but they when they do help, you would think it was more then just the few i call family. Lets start at home my mother. She is what people would call the love you and kill you type. She dont play no games and will love you while she is telling you about your self. My mother goes above for me she makes sure i have food and money even when she dont. What more can i ask for from a mother. The we have Amber she has been my friend since 10th grade, yes we have had our disagreements about stuid things but i would not tride her for the world. She helps me when she cant help her self, when im down i can call on her becuase she not only will listen, but tell me im stupid if need be. Now lets come to NC, Erica my ride or die friend, she is my amber in NC no matter what i need, time of the day i know i can call on her and she is right there. Paige a friend that came in a form i would have never guessed, to be young she acts more grown then alot of people i know, and knows how to carry her self no matter the situation. Liesha she is the "bitch" friend, now dont take that the wrong way, she is also a ride or die friend, but she is a friend you can call on for certain things, like all my friends and of course i cant forget thomas, he is my friend that should have been my brother but came as mt best friend i can tell him EVERYTHING things i cant tell my females bestfriends i know i can tell him and he will tell me what he thinks and could care less if he hurts my feelings. i know i can call on eachof them for different reasons, and thats why i love them. There is alot of people that i didnt include in that section, and it is not becuase im being a bitch but becuase i just dont look at you as a person that i can call a friend. I cant call you a friend if i dont really bang with you like that, or you have shitted on me in situations where you needed to stand up and be a friend. Now i do have some people inmy life that are not as close to me, but will be there when they can. Aleix (mini woman) Jasmine(Ms. Doren). Jeremy (alchy) Tiffany (but she has entered the friend zone) Kita ( there when i need her to talk about things im goign thru) rita( good friend just to talk to about life). But if i was to damn people that had made my shit list i would be writing for days. No i dont hold grudges but i do know who i can and cant depand on for anything,(not even air). This year even though it is not over has taught me so much about the real world that being scared to enter it will never happend to me, becuase looking at it i was thrown into it. Dont get me wrong i would not change anything, becuase it is my downs that will make sure i stay up in my goals, and dreams for my life. All the people that wish nothing but bad look on me i want to THANK YOU becuase of you i know i will and can do my best to shut you up. So to the pass week i have had all i can say is HA HA HA. may life bring me more challenges that i will face with a smile.

Random

The first thing that ever comes to my mind lately is, when is the sun going to shine again, and i dont mean in the sky i mean in my life. Now dont get me wrong alot of people are going thru issues bigger and smaller then mine, and i would never think that my issues out tops anybody, becuase they dont. But here lately i just dont kno anymore. If it is not one thing it is another. So lets start with the beginning of the year (2010). Every one knows that the people you chill with and call friends, will not always be there till the end. And dont call me stupid and say "you should have known that at the agw of 22" but i just would have never thought i would see people dropping like flies. Around the third of January i got what all college students get, the letter that says how much you need to bring back to school. Well i dont know about anybody else but things at home are HARD right now. and schools, bills, not jobs seem to care, or take that into consideration. So my school Saint Augustines College wanted $7,000 from me, and they wanted it all on the 12th of January. Now i dont know about anybody else but that a LOT of money, money me nor my mother had. So i did when any college student would do i got on a plane, came to school and prayed. But when i got here it seemed as though NOBODY could help me and i was looking at the fact that i had to go back to Maryland and not finish school. (sad face). But then a "friend" had an idea for me to ask a female who i stop talking to for a faver. Now people yall dont know me, but i dont like feeling like a charity case but i had to do what i had to do in order to stay in school. So i put my face in between my ass and asked jasmine could i stay with her until the end of the semaster. After the monkey left the room she said yes. So time goes on and i move in and im going to school, mind you i dont have money to eat, nor money to get back and fourth to school, but god makes a way. So towards the end of the best month in the year Feb. shit starts to go wrong. First she starts to take her purse in the room with her at night like im going to steal shyt, then she burns her kitchen floor with a pizza box and wants me to help her pay for it, even though i wasnt there, and it was her fault. So about a week goes by and my mom has already talk to her about her not getting money for her floor becuase it was her fault, jasmine decides she wants to now tell her father im staying there and that im the cause of her floor looking like it does. So of course her daddy has no idea im there and wants me to get out on a saturday at 10:00 pm. So to not cause a seen and beat her the fuck up even though thats all i could think about doing, i packed and left. Now thats just what happend in two months. Now im in school with no job becuase it is so hard to find one with no car, no food, and no one i can really trust. I have females smileing in my face and wishing i was died behind my back, i have males thinking im so damn stupid and trying to play the feild, even though i have been hip to the game since the beginning of 2009. And i have a mother at home that is sick as hell and still trying to take care of me even though there i no lights on in my house, no hot water, and i just found out today that the roof caved in today in my room, which by the way we have no money to fix any of these things. All of this going on right now, me being homeless, dont know where my next meal is comming from, and stress on top of stress, and yet people on this campus still want me to walk around with a smile on my face when all i want to do is die. People dont understand that i cant smile any more, i push laughter out, and i make my self go to class every day, becuase all i want to do i crawl inside a black hole and hide from the world. Im tired of people thinking they know me, when all they know is of me.